Bedside manners

I wrote this when Heather was in hospital (right before her surgery) but decided to post it today.

Sometimes, when life feels overwhelming, the best thing you can do is laugh at the situations—and people—that make it more difficult. Heather was waiting for surgery when a member of the surgical team stopped by to explain what to expect. You know, the usual: "We’re going to perform this procedure, and with anesthesia, there’s always a chance for complications…” But this guy didn’t hold back—he laid it all out. Fortunately, Heather was too out of it to understand, so I had the pleasure of experiencing this conversation solo.

Scenario 1: The ideal outcome—exploratory laparoscopic surgery to insert cameras and examine the digestive tract for about an hour, possibly identifying and fixing a minor issue. We were all hoping for this one.

Scenario 2: A large incision might be needed, with no clear idea of how long the surgery would take. It wasn’t my favorite scenario, but it seemed reasonable.

Scenario 3: They might need to do a colostomy. I was really grateful that didn’t happen.

Scenario 4: A very large incision might be required, leaving the wound open, and she would be taken to the ICU for observation. (At this point, I stopped listening.) Gratefully, this worst-case scenario was avoided.

Then, he casually added, “And with anesthesia, there’s always a risk of cardiac arrest, stroke, or sudden death.”

Yes, I know they have to tell you all this, but at that point, my focus was entirely on Heather—on keeping her in a calm and positive frame of mind.

I quietly muttered, “Well, that was positive.” It was a bit snarky, I admit. So, I quickly added, “You guys must be exhausted after such a long day, and now heading back into surgery tonight.”

He replied (and I’m paraphrasing):
“Surgeons are trained to work at 100%. Even if we come in feeling like 80%, we work at 100%. Unlike you and others, who might go to work feeling like 70% or less, you only work at that capacity.”

I honestly wanted to laugh out loud. I mean, clearly, this guy must have worked with me before. I can guarantee I don’t give 100% every moment of the day at work. Even a computer doesn’t operate at 100% all the time.

I’m glad he has such a big ego. I want her surgical team to give it their all—100%, for sure. Heck, if they want to overachieve and give me 105%, I’m all for that. Give me a surgeon with a big ego in the ER any day.

He was just doing his job, explaining the possible scenarios, and I get that. But today, I’m going to sit back and realize that maybe I’m only capable of giving 50%—and that’s totally okay with me.

Since Heather’s surgery was after hours, there wasn’t the usual automated board providing updates. I asked Dr. Bedside Manners if I’d get updates if the surgery took longer than expected. He replied, “Well, our focus needs to be on Heather, so we don’t leave the surgery to give updates.”

I smiled sweetly and said, “Of course, I understand. I was just hoping there was a way to send an update. Thanks, Dr. Obvious.” I didn’t expect hourly updates, but a little reassurance would have been nice.

When the surgery was finally over, her lead surgeon called me, and we spoke for over 10 minutes. Heather was returned to her room around midnight, and I was able to give her a kiss goodnight.

Her surgical team gave it their all—100%, to be exact—and I’m forever thankful for that.

Don’t forget to hug your loved ones. Life is precious.xo

Lisa

Picture shown is Heather in an 8th grade school play, dressed as a nurse. She gave 100% in this play, just like she is giving 100% in her recovery 

July 4th, 2025 - Update and a stroll down memory lane

Heather continues to heal.  It has been almost a month since she became ill.  Seriously, where did the month of June go this year!  This really has been quite a long year for Heather and Kevin) It started on July 4th 2024, when Kevin slipped and fractured his ankle/leg/foot.  OUCH OUCH OUCH.  He had surgery to insert plates and pins and eventually rolled around on his knee scooter for his 4-5 month recovery.  

In September, Heather broke her clavicle which required surgery to set the bones with hardware (it broke in a very difficult place).  In February 2025 she had another surgery to remove the clavicle hardware that was starting to interfere with range of motion and growing into healthy bone (they knew the 2nd surgery was required).  A month later, she had a hernia repair.  This was probably due to weaker stomach muscles from her surgeries as an infant and, in December, a case of walking pneumonia that caused a lot of coughing. 

So when this most recent surgery was necessary, you can clearly understand how anxious and frustrated Heather was.  I guess I am sharing all of this now, because nobody ever knows the struggles that so many encounter.  Heather doesn't live in the past, but the past keeps getting brought up every time she has to give her health history.  It was very interesting that before they did the adhesion repair and they asked about previous abdominal surgeries, they weren't concerned about her two surgeries at one week and 15 months of age.  Interestingly, after the surgery, the surgeon wanted details about her earlier surgeries.  Before going in, he assumed if adhesions had been so bad, they would have surfaced much earlier.  Well, apparently that wasn't the case.  I wasn't able to give him many details except to say that she recovered beautifully from both of those surgeries.  

It still blows my mind that the protocol for abdominal adhesions and obstructions hasn't changed in 42 years.  If it isn't a complete obstruction which requires emergency surgery, they insert an NG tube for 5-7 days hoping the obstruction resolves on its own.  If not, then surgery is required and that requires another week in the hospital, then home for a 4–6 week recovery.  

I still shudder when I look back on her earlier surgeries.  Because she was only 7 days old and had already lost a lot of her birth weight, she never received any pain medication.  I still can't even fathom that.   When the decision was made to do surgery, the hospital doctors told me she was too weak to survive the surgery, and the surgeon said if we don't do surgery now, she won't survive. That was a terrible decision to make.  So, I agreed to the surgery, and they wheeled her away 30 minutes later (her Father had gone home for about 2 hours when all of this unfolded and since there weren't any cell phones, there was no way to reach him to discuss this - I tried the house phone but he was already in the car).  During surgery, they paralyzed her for 24 hours and inserted a ventilator to help her breath.  I didn't know enough then to question the need to keep her immobile, but I do know there was a real concern for giving anesthesia to a sick 5lb 10oz infant.  

From what I read back in 1982 and what I see now on the good ol' internet “In the early 1980s it was a common belief among medical professionals that babies did not feel pain, and this led to surgeries and other procedures being performed without anesthesia or pain medication. This belief was based on the idea that infants lacked the neurological capacity to experience pain due to their underdeveloped nervous systems, particularly the lack of myelination"   This was from a Harvard Medical Journal.  This theory changed in the mid 1980s. Today, it's well-established that infants can feel pain, and there is a greater awareness of the importance of pain management during infancy.   Thank GOD.

On July 4th, it will be three weeks since Heather's surgery.  She is really doing quite well, but every few days, she has a painful setback.  Pain management really is critical to a patients physical and mental health.  Heather once again is proving how tough she is.  I also must admit, it has been wonderful having her home with me for these last few weeks.  I am finally catching up on my much-needed rest and Heather can just focus on herself and getting stronger.  

I love you, Heather.  I can't wait for the day that we can go on our own adventure and escape from Lisa's Assisted Living Facility.  I must admit, it is a great place to recover, but a girls trip to the beach (or NYC) would be sooooo much fun. 

xo

Lisa

The picture for this blog was taken on the 4th.  Our neighborhood has a fabulous parade that goes past our house.  This was Heather's first social outing in a month. I love you, Heather and the camera certainly loves your beautiful smile.  It is wonderful to see those lovely dimples again.