Mom would have been proud of us. We pulled together a Thanksgiving feast that was tasty and delicious. I must admit, we did a damn good job making her stuffing and gravy dishes without a recipe. We had an amazing variety of food and everything was just perfect. Just like Mom would have done.The table settings were a tribute to Mom. The napkin holders had different pictures of Mom. We had name card place settings made from small pine cones. Each place had a lit votive candle. The centerpiece was sent by Mom's beautiful cousin Marilyn. It was a table filled with love and created out of love for Mom.
Lauren did find one of the pilgrim candles that had never been lit. So funny. We only had the boy pilgrim, not sure what happened to the matching girl. Somebody probably lit her and she melted. We decided to spare the boy pilgrim. Some traditions are good to keep,
Now it is time for me to be honest. I had a wonderful time, it was great to see everyone pitch in and try to make this day as normal as possible. We laughed, we shed a few tears, we shared stories about Mom, and there were times when we were just quiet. Don't get me wrong - it was a wonderful Thanksgiving celebration, but it didn't feel right not having Mom there with us.
Sixteen family members and friends gathered, however, there were times that the house just felt empty to me. I know this is our new "normal", I am just trying to navigate what this means.
I have seen friends lose their Mom (Dad) and I saw their sadness and grief. I just never realized how sad I would be. There were so many times that I looked for Mom. I wanted to see her smile. I wanted to hear her laugh. I wanted to hear my Mom make some funny comment. I wanted to watch her beam as she looked at her grandchildren. I wanted to watch her look down that long table at my Dad.I tried to stay in the living room, kitchen and dining room. It is still so hard and weird for me to see her nightstand without all of the medicine bottles. It sucks to not see an outfit hanging on the door for the next day. Mom was always prepared.
The chair lift that carried her upstairs even made me sad. And yes, I know, the chair lift was such a necessary addition and was so helpful for her - it is just another reminder that Mom isn't with us to use it.
As a group we held it together really well. I can only speak for myself, but that drive home was sad. It was another slap in my face that Mom is no longer with us. Let me rephrase that - Mom is in a better place and she is with us in spirit. I am just being a bit greedy and needy right now and want to see her sitting in her chair and watching that big smile appear on her face when she realizes that we came over to see her.
They say that the first year is difficult because you have to experience a whole year of holidays and events without your loved one. They say I will find my new "normal." Will someone tell me how it will be normal on my birthday when my Mom doesn't call and sing Happy Birthday to me? How will it be normal on Mother's Day when I don't have a Mom to spoil?
OK - so now it is time for me to share something that makes me smile (and of course cry) - but mostly smile. Mom and Dad called my cell phone a few months ago and left a voice message where they sang Happy Birthday to me. As I listened to the message I was wondering why they were singing because it was months before my birthday. I just listened and laughed - waiting to hear why they were doing this. I knew they weren't "crazy".
Mom and Dad have a wicked sense of humor and I just had no idea why they were singing to me. Well - as it turned out, the Happy Birthday song was declared for public domain and you can sing it for free (like you always did). hahahaha. Here is the recording (yes, I was the smart one to save this beauty). I never realized that I would need it so badly for my birthday in December.
To be honest - hearing them sing makes me so happy and then it makes me so sad. I have no idea what stage of grieving I am in and I don't really care. I just know that right now I am sad and yes I cry. I spent the Saturday after Thanksgiving curled up in bed, watching sappy Hallmark movies, eating junk food, and crying. So much cheaper than retail therapy and by the end of the day, I felt better.
Grocery shopping sucks. Not sure why. It just seems that as I wander aimlessly around the aisles I get teary eyed. Not sure what triggers it. I can only imagine how the malls will be for me this year. Wow - such confessions.
I am lucky to have had my Mom for so long. I am lucky she didn't suffer. I am lucky that she died with dignity. My logical side knows this.
But I also know that I really really miss her. My Mom was the one person that I could call and share my fears and concerns about life, especially Heather's health issues. I could be honest with Mom. I could tell her how scared I was and she would tell me that everything would be OK. I know Dad will be filling this void - and that really does make me the luckiest girl in the world.
I love you and miss you Mom. I hope your homecoming was as special as we all knew it was going to be for you.
If only.........if only I had told you a million more times that I loved you.
If only.........if only you could be here for future weddings, babies, birthdays and celebrations.
If only..........if only I could zip through these healing and grieving stages.
If only...........sigh
xo
lisa
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| Lauren, Lisa, Miranda, Brianne |
