Now back to sharing my feelings - It has been three years since Mom has passed and I can honestly say sometimes it feels like yesterday and other times it seems like forever since I heard her laugh, saw her smile, or reached for the phone to call her.
They say that the first year is difficult because you have to experience a whole year of holidays and events without your loved one. They say I will find my new "normal." Will someone tell me how it will ever be normal on my birthday when my Mom doesn't call and sing Happy Birthday to me? How will it be normal on Mother's Day when I don't have a Mom to spoil?
I must admit, that I am healing, but then somedays it's like BAM -the sadness just hits me. I was walking into a grocery store to pick up some things for Thanksgiving and I could feel this dark cloud hanging over me, then for no reason I get teary eyed. I think it happens when I see a Mother and Daughter navigating the aisles.
I think what brought me down this year is that I know I won't be going to Mom and Dad's for Thanksgiving. We had our last Thanksgiving at the family home last year. It was bitter sweet. This year I was hoping to host the family but a kitchen renovation didn't get completed in time. Thank goodness for my niece, her husband and his fabulous Mom. She will be hosting us this year.
I was lucky to have had my Mom for so long. For that I am blessed. BUT, with that said, I still really miss her. My Mom was the one person that I could call and share my fears and concerns about life, especially Heather's health issues. I could be honest with Mom. I could tell her how scared I was and she would tell me that everything would be OK.
Let's go back to 1982 - Mom was with me every day when Heather was 6 days old and had major surgery to correct a blocked intestine. She drove me to the hospital 3 times a day too see my baby in intensive care. On one of those trips to the hospital I saw people staring at me and smiling and I thought “damn I look good for just having a baby." Well after traveling from the car and through the hospital and up the elevators, I finally took of my sunglasses and realized I was missing a lens. Seriously - Mom never noticed and I, for whatever reason, didn’t see the difference between one sun filled eye and a shaded eye. We laughed for days about this. But I digress.
So here I am in 2019 and Dad has been living with me since March 2019. Having Dad live with me has been such a blessing. He is always there for me with his sound advice, sympathetic and caring nature, excellent stories, and he gives the best hugs.
So, this Thanksgiving I am thankful that my Dad is living with us, I am thankful that Heather has such an amazing boyfriend and sweet therapy dog. I am thankful for the family gatherings that we had this year. I am thankful that Joe is by my side helping me navigate the curveballs that life throws throws at us.
And......
I love you and miss you Mom
........if only I had told you a million more times that I loved you.
........if only you could be here for future weddings, babies, birthdays and celebrations. You would have loved Brianne's and Eddy's wedding. It was a magical day filled with love.
........if only Heather had been healed or made significant progress towards healing. We are both comforted knowing that you are watching over us and you would protect her if you could. We won’t give up hope Mom. I will fix your Heather. Promise
If only...........sigh
xo
lisa
